I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
