This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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