We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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