hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
why do cheetos always look like penises
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
