Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
