he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
