Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
