He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
