but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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