Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
