This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
