Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
