she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
