On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
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Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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