garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
