You just made me feel so damn special
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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