I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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