ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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