Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
