Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
do nipples grow back?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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