Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
