I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
