I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
