I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
