WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
why didn't you poke me back
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
