Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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