Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
