Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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