I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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