Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
