peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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