guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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