When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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