I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
