fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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