I'm jealous of your bromance
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
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there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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