someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
