I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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