I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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