This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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