I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
