I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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