GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
