Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Randomize
