i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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