The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
