Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
