Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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