It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
