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God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
