I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
