apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
