Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
