just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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