Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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