Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
