He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
