i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
