My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
