It was confusing and full of hummus
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
