dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
