im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
